Everyone wants video games for Christmas. There are too many of them and they’re too expensive, so why shouldn’t Santa foot the bill for them once a year, right? Exactly.
But did anybody stop to think about what video games themselves want for Christmas? It’s like nobody even asked them! What, like they’re just products with no sentience or desires and this idea is inherently flawed and not even that funny? Geddoutta here with that humbug, it’s Christmas time! Let’s see what your favourite games from 2024 want for Christmas.
Astro Bot
What do you get the bot that has everything?Bloodborne Remasteredof course! You want it, I want it, everybody in gaming wants it, and with its love for all thingsPlayStation, you may bet your bottom PlayStation Star thatAstro Botwants it.
I suck at Soulslikes and am actually indifferent to Bloodborne, for the record.
Palworld
The earliest game to take the world by storm in 2024,Palworld’sfate ofbeing derailed by Nintendo mirrored the year’s own. With thelawsuit rumbling onandPalworld already making changesto the game, it seems the best gift for it going into 2025 would be a fake beard. Palworld? No Mr.NintendoLawyer, you have the wrong building. We make Balworld here.
Infinity Nikki
The officialBarbiedoll of Glinda the Good from Wicked. It just makes sense, right? It’s basically a Barbie game, except it’s actually good. AndNikkigives out very (pre-heel turn) Glinda vibes, especially if you equip her with a wand. Both are also huge trends to close out the year in style.
Stellar Blade
The official Barbie doll of Glinda the Good from Wicked, but specificallythe original run where the website on the back was for an ‘adult video’ siteinstead of the Wicked movie.
Fun fact: I have a friend who works in a department store, and he had to cross out all the website listings in permanent marker for a whole crate of dolls by hand.
All Those Games Whose Devs Complained About Not Being Nominated At The Game Awards
I’m not going to call them out by name, because I don’t like to kick a collection of polygons shaped like a dog when it’s down, but I saw developers from three different games whining about not being nominated atThe Game Awardsthis year. Only one of them had a point, and all three stressed that The Game Awards don’t matter anyway as they slowly turned into a corncob.
So I got them all stickers that say ‘Official Best Game’ to make them feel better, but also to make them go away.
Metaphor: ReFantazio
I adoredMetaphor: ReFantazio, but it made me question if I was a massive hypocrite. Like most people who have to write daily opinions for a living, the answer is ‘probably’. You see, I never fully vibed with the romances ofPersona 5, whichseemed problematicfor a number of reasons. I also defendedAvowedfor itsdecision to ditch romance to focus on a more driven story.
And yet, as I played Metaphor: ReFantazio, I wanted to date Hulkenberg. And Catherina. And Junah, who even gets a romantic thread teased. So I’m gifting it A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas, so it can learn how to put some darn romance into its fantasy story.
Dragon Age: The Veilguard
Dragon Ageis one of my favourite series in gaming, and I still enjoyedThe Veilguardeven if it wastoo gentle to commit. Nothing seems to matter enough in BioWare’s latest, with no interpersonal tension and extremely limited roleplay.Lore and nuance is discardedto make sure everyone has a nice time.
I would have had a nicer time witha game that gave me just a bit more respect. So I’m gifting itA Game of Thronesby George R R Martin, so it can learn how to put some darn grit into its fantasy story.
Concord
Concordseems like a board gamer, because it sure board gamers this year, am I right?! Seriously though, please stop making live-service games.
